I read some interesting thoughts today on uncertainty and the unfamiliar. It was on a site that I follow, because it hosts collections of words that are smarter than I am and I hope to someday have my very own words like these. 

“It is a sign of great inner insecurity to be hostile to the unfamiliar.” Anaïs Nin 

This quote stuck me as a truth that I need to employ more in my life. Still, I don’t know if the fragility of the entire situation is lapping me again on this racetrack or if the fact that I had to leave today sank in too deeply. But I feel sad and very hostile to this unfamiliarity. I had hoped to be able to leave on a more familiar note; I had dreams of getting back to my life with the same sort of magical synergy, that would make it so that everyone could simply get back to theirs. All of us humans in our respective homes, feet where they should be, jobs to be worked, food to be cooked, happy and familiar, life goes on happily ever after. The End.

I wanted this unfamiliar time to be recoiling faster and feeling more deeply the wrath of our whipping it away daily. Yet it still hovers, and I don’t recognize anything to be quite the same. I had to fly back home, to my life and my family[friends] and my pets and my more robust supply of undergarments.

These guys are seriously like “Yo, mom where were you?”

I wish I could stay to fix, what I know in my heart, only time can tell to fix. I expect that my inner insecurity is fear and I have to keep teaching it to stop being so hostile to all this unfamiliarity.

But to me unfamiliar has always read as un-family, and nobody wants an UN-family. (I guess unless you work for the United Nations and somehow that makes sense to you, “hi, welcome to my UNfamily home, would you like a cup of UNtea?”…I digress)

Dad opened his eyes and said I love you. I pretended to at first not understand him and said “What’s that dad?….did you say.. ‘Thai Kung Fu?’ ….. ‘Pies for Hugh?’” We laughed but it’s all I could do to keep the painful lump of knotted tears buried in my throat and out of my eyes. Tears are wet and they spoil everything.

“I love you too, Dad. I love you too”

Please keep fighting. All this familiar (family) misses you desperately.